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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26061370">The Meaning Behind Existence</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/finitexs/pseuds/finitexs'>finitexs</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Touhou Project</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Introspection, casually overthinking about the meaning of life, reimu is thinking a lot</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 11:27:01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,875</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26061370</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/finitexs/pseuds/finitexs</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>After a visit to the Human Village, Reimu finds herself with a question that she can't answer.</p>
<p>A fic in which Reimu searches for a reason for her existence.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>22</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Meaning Behind Existence</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It started off as a day like any other for Reimu. She was visiting the village to restock on supplies.</p>
<p>"Alright, that's all the food," Reimu muttered to herself. "If I cut back on the drinks this week, I can buy Aunn that shirt she's been eyeing..." </p>
<p>"Miss shrine maiden!"</p>
<p>Reimu looked behind her and saw one of the village kids running up to her. She gave a small smile and stopped walking to let her catch up. While she wasn't very good with kids, she still enjoyed talking to them. </p>
<p>"Hello," Reimu gently said as she knelt down to see the girl better. "Do you need something?"</p>
<p>The girl took a few moments to catch her breath before she excitedly shook her head. "No! I just wanted to say that you're so cool! You fight youkai and make them go BOOM!" she said, jumping into the air and spreading out her arms when she said the last part.</p>
<p>Reimu couldn't help but laugh at the girl's enthusiasm. She wasn't exactly <em>wrong</em>, but she was missing a lot of details.</p>
<p>"Oh! Miss shrine maiden! What else do you do?" she excitedly asked.</p>
<p>"I protect the village so that people like you are safe and happy," Reimu responded, unable to stop her smile from growing.</p>
<p>The girl shook her head. "I mean besides that! You do other stuff too, right? I like playing with the other kids and making food with my mom and my mama and..."</p>
<p>The rest of what the girl said fell on deaf ears as Reimu thought about what she said. What else <em>did</em> she do? She maintained the balance between humans and youkai and kept Gensokyo safe, but what else? She took care of the shrine, she talked with Marisa sometimes, she drank... Was that it?</p>
<p>"...the other kids at my school think you're cool too! And--"</p>
<p>"Mimi!"</p>
<p>The girl was abruptly cut off as a woman ran over and scooped her up into her arms. She let out an exasperated sigh and said, "I've been looking everywhere for you!"</p>
<p>The girl -- Mimi -- let out a squeal of delight. "Mama!"</p>
<p>Another woman also ran over and bowed her head, apologizing profusely. "I'm so sorry, shrine maiden. I swear she was right next to us, but she got away from us somehow."</p>
<p>"Don't worry about it. It's fine," Reimu reassured. "She's a good kid."</p>
<p>The parents apologized a few more times before leaving. As they were walking away, Mimi waved while yelling, "Bye, miss shrine maiden! I'll tell all my friends about how cool you are!"</p>
<p>Reimu laughed and waved back. As she watched them disappear into the crowd, Mimi's words rang through her mind again. Did she really do nothing outside of her shrine maiden duties? What did she do?</p>
<hr/>
<p>When Reimu got back to the shrine, she noticed that it was unusually quiet. No Aunn running up to greet her, no Marisa sitting in the front and drinking her sake without her permission, no visitors... not that there were many visitors in the first place.</p>
<p>Reimu set down her supplies in the kitchen and brewed herself some tea as she sat down to watch the setting sun. The sunset painted the sky a beautiful orange and pink. It was one of the things she appreciated about Gensokyo, its scenery and the peace it brought along with it. It also set the perfect mood for thinking, which she usually appreciated, but not so much today. </p>
<p>She just wanted to relax and have a nice, quiet evening before going to sleep, but. She couldn't stop thinking. There wasn't anyone -- herself included -- who knew what she did outside of her shrine maiden duties. Marisa was the closest person she could think of, but even then, Marisa didn't know what she did during her time alone. Reimu sighed and took a sip of her tea, hoping it'd calm her mind. It didn't help. The taste was nice, at least. </p>
<p>"Shrine maiden"... That was what they called her. Not "Reimu", not even "Hakurei shrine maiden". Just "shrine maiden". Did they even know her name? Was she just "that one shrine maiden" to them?</p>
<p>Maybe... maybe she really didn't do anything. No hobbies she could think of, no permanent interests that caught her attention. She just floated through life. It was peaceful for her, but it <em>did</em> make her seem rather boring, now that she thought about it. </p>
<p>Her duty as the Hakurei shrine maiden was crucial in maintaining the existence of Gensokyo, but what about her existence? Was the only reason for her existence being the Hakurei shrine maiden? </p>
<p>She didn't know.</p>
<hr/>
<p>The next morning, Reimu woke up with a goal in mind. She decided that she was going to ask around what people thought the meaning of existence was. Why they exist, what they think their purpose is. Perhaps, she would find her answer there.</p>
<p>Reimu opened the door to her shrine, shielding her eyes from the brightly shining sun. The day was nice, so she wouldn't have trouble flying around. She closed her eyes and relaxed. The sounds of the birds chirping, the wind whispering across the landscape and into her ears, she let all of the sensations fill her body. And when she opened her eyes, she was flying.</p>
<p>She flew towards the Forest of Magic first. The first person on her mind was Marisa. As the person closest to her, she was hoping that Marisa's presence would help calm her down, and maybe, just maybe, she'd be able to answer her question.</p>
<p>"Yo, Reimu!"</p>
<p>Reimu was snapped out of her thoughts when she heard Marisa's voice. Without realizing it, Reimu had already reached the entrance to the Forest of Magic. Marisa was standing next to the entrance with a grin on her face.</p>
<p>Reimu couldn't help but grin back. She couldn't help but feel at least a little bit happier whenever she saw Marisa. As she landed on the ground, she greeted, "Marisa. I was looking for you."</p>
<p>"What a coincidence. Was just about to go over to your place," Marisa said with a laugh. She propped her broom up against a tree and leaned against it. Reimu went next to her, also leaning against the tree.</p>
<p>Reimu enjoyed the quiet for a bit as she thought about how to phrase her thoughts. She could feel Marisa's curious gaze, but Marisa remained quiet. She'd never tell her, but Reimu appreciated how much Marisa understood her. Marisa knew that she needed some time to think, and she gave her that time.</p>
<p>Finally, Reimu asked, "Marisa... why do you think you exist?"</p>
<p>Marisa's grin faltered a bit. Confused, she asked, "Whatcha mean by that?"</p>
<p>"I mean like... what do you think the purpose of life is? What motivates you?</p>
<p>Marisa frowned as she thought about Reimu's question. It was quiet between them again, but this time, Reimu was the one waiting. </p>
<p>"A reason, huh?" Marisa thoughtfully said. "I just work hard and have fun. Especially have fun. Can't live without it, right?" Marisa's grin returned to her face. "Ya gotta have fun. Or else it isn't worth it."</p>
<p>"I... guess?" Reimu hesitantly said. It was a simple reason, but Reimu couldn't deny that Marisa wasn't wrong. A boring life wouldn't be very good. Still, she couldn't deny that it wasn't the reason she was looking for. </p>
<p>"Yup!" Marisa cheerfully said. "Why ya asking this anyway? You in one of your moods again?"</p>
<p>Reimu nodded, once again appreciating how much Marisa understood her. She wasn't sure she'd be able to provide an actual reason for why she was asking. </p>
<p>The two fell into a contemplative silence as Reimu thought about what Marisa said. While Marisa was right, Reimu wasn't sure if it was the answer she was looking for.</p>
<p>"Whatcha plan on doing next?" Marisa asked, breaking the silence.</p>
<p>"I'm going to Hakugyokurou."</p>
<p>Marisa nodded. "Sounds like a plan. Ya want some company, or ya wanna be alone?"</p>
<p>Reimu thought for a bit. She always appreciated Marisa's company, but something inside her told her she wanted to be alone. Reimu shook her head. "I think I want to be alone today."</p>
<p>Marisa nodded again. "Yeah, sounds good," she said. "Take care of yourself, alright?"</p>
<p>"Yeah," Reimu responded before she floated off the ground and flew towards the Netherworld.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Reimu arrived at Hakugyokurou, among the lazily falling cherry blossoms and the occasional wandering spirit. Despite being a place for the dead, Reimu felt at peace. It was hard to explain, but something about Hakugyokurou, and the Netherworld in general, comforted her. The loud thumping of rapidly approaching footsteps brought Reimu out of her thoughts.</p>
<p>One of the doors slid open, and someone peeked outside. "Hello?" a familiar voice called out.</p>
<p>"Youmu," Reimu greeted.</p>
<p>The door slid open completely, revealing Youmu. "Oh, Reimu, hi. I didn't expect to see you here today. Um... Did you want to see Lady Yuyuko?" she hesitantly asked.</p>
<p>"No. I actually wanted to see you."</p>
<p>"H-huh? Me?" Youmu stammered as she pointed to herself, her phantom-half jerking around erratically behind her.  </p>
<p>Reimu nodded. "Don't worry, it's nothing bad. I just have a question."</p>
<p>"Oh... okay," Youmu hesitantly said, her phantom-half calming down a bit. She didn't look entirely convinced, but she didn't seem as worried, at least.</p>
<p>"What I want to ask is..." Reimu trailed off. She wanted to put it in a way that wouldn't come off as too weird. But it was probably going to be weird, regardless of how she phrased it.</p>
<p>"Um..." </p>
<p>Reimu realized that she'd been staring at Youmu for a while now. Youmu was fidgeting and nervously rubbing the hilt of her swords as she waited for Reimu to talk.</p>
<p>"Sorry," Reimu apologized. "It's a weird question, and... I'll just say it. Why do you think you exist?"</p>
<p>"Wh...what? Why I exist?"</p>
<p>Reimu nodded. </p>
<p>Youmu hesitated, but only for a moment. Her eyes gleamed with steely resolve as she stated, "I exist to serve the Saigyouji clan and will do so until the day I die. I will serve Lady Yuyuko and do whatever she commands me to do, no matter what it is. This is the oath of the Konpaku clan."</p>
<p>The sudden change in Youmu caught Reimu off-guard. The only other time she saw Youmu this serious and composed was when she met her for the first time during the cherry blossom incident. All Reimu managed to say was "Huh..."</p>
<p>"I will cut down anyone who she deems unnecessary." Youmu stared directly at Reimu, her hand on the hilt of Roukanken. "Even you."</p>
<p>Reimu put her hands up in front of her and quickly said, "Whoa, calm down a bit."</p>
<p>"A-ah... right..." Youmu loosened her grip on her sword, all of her intensity from before disappearing. "Sorry..."</p>
<p>"It's fine, don't worry," Reimu soothed. "You really are dedicated to Yuyuko." </p>
<p>Youmu fervently nodded. "Of course! I've been serving her since I was born. I couldn't imagine doing anything else."</p>
<p>Reimu frowned and asked, "Really? There's nothing else you want to do?" There had to be <em>something</em> else.</p>
<p>Youmu hesitated. "I... I never really thought about it, but..." Her hand went to the hilt of Roukanken again, the intensity from before returning to her eyes. "But I don't need to. To serve means to live for another person. This is what I must do as a member of the Konpaku clan."</p>
<p>"Hm..." To live for another person. Devotion so strong that it gave a reason to live. That definitely was a strong motivation. And yet, Reimu wasn't satisfied. There was more she wanted to know. Nodding at Youmu, Reimu said, "Okay. Thank you, Youmu."</p>
<p>"E-eh. That's all?" Youmu asked, bewildered. "You don't want to stay for any tea?"</p>
<p>"No," Reimu declined. "There are still other places I need to go."</p>
<p>"Oh... okay," Youmu said. "Bye, Reimu."</p>
<p>"Bye." And with that, Reimu was flying. She still had one more place she wanted to visit.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Reimu landed in front of the torii of the Moriya Shrine. The shrine was by far bigger than her shrine, and a lot more impressive-looking, too. It didn't bother her, though. She was able to live comfortably with the donations she got.</p>
<p>The shrine was busy as usual. There were plenty of people walking around, making offerings to the donation box, praying. The usual things at a shrine. A few people noticed Reimu and greeted her, and Reimu greeted them back. But she didn't pay too much attention to them. She wanted to see Sanae.</p>
<p>Luckily for Reimu, she found Sanae easily. The Moriya shrine maiden was preaching to a group of people, and it seemed like she was going to finish up soon. Reimu decided to wait in the shade of one of the statues. Sanae's voice powerfully reverberated across the shrine grounds as she spoke. "...And all of you are welcome to the Moriya shrine with open arms. Lady Kanako and Lady Suwako accept all. Give them your faith, and you will see miracles appear in your lives!"</p>
<p>It always came as a surprise to Reimu when she saw how differently Sanae acted when she was doing her shrine maiden duties. The usual Sanae that Reimu was used to was an upbeat, energic, little bit absentminded but fun person to be around. But the Sanae that she was seeing right now, she was dignified. Confident. Charismatic. All traits that Reimu wasn't used to seeing from her.</p>
<p>"Reimu! Earth to Reimu!"</p>
<p>For the second time that day, Reimu was snapped out of her thoughts, but this time by Sanae rather than Marisa. Sanae was standing in front of her, a small pout on her face as she rapidly waved a hand in front of Reimu's face.  </p>
<p>"Oh. Hello, Sanae."</p>
<p>Sanae's sermon had ended. People walked past them, some people greeting them, others whispering to each other in hushed tones when they saw the two shrine maidens together. It must've been unusual for them to see Reimu at what technically was a rival shrine. </p>
<p>Sanae sighed. "I was trying to catch your attention for a while now, but you didn't respond at <em>all</em> when I called out to you."</p>
<p>"Sorry, sorry," Reimu said as she apologetically smiled. "I was just thinking."</p>
<p>"Thinking about what?" Sanae curiously asked, her eyes completely focused on Reimu.</p>
<p>"Well..." By now, she knew it was going to be weird regardless, so she just decided to be straightforward with it. "Why do you think you exist?"</p>
<p>Sanae looked at Reimu with brows furrowed and stared at her as if trying to read her mind. She confusedly replied, "Why I exist? I guess... for adventure! And experiencing new things!" She sounded uncertain at first, but as she kept talking, her voice got louder and steadier. "When I first heard we were moving to Gensokyo, I couldn't believe what Lady Yasaka was saying when she talked about moving, but now ever since then, I've been seeing so many new and exciting things. And now, I want to see as much as I can!"</p>
<p>"Seeing new things, huh?" Reimu muttered, mostly to herself. It was an answer that fit Sanae. Although she wasn't sure how much she agreed, she couldn't deny that what Sanae said held some truth.  <br/>    <br/>"Yeah!" Sanae said with a bright smile on her face. "What about you, Reimu? What do you think?"</p>
<p>Reimu inwardly winced. She was hoping Sanae wouldn't ask that. "Honestly... I'm not sure. That's why I'm asking."</p>
<p>To Reimu's surprise, Sanae nodded knowingly. "I understand."</p>
<p>That definitely wasn't the reaction Reimu expected from Sanae. "Huh? You do?"</p>
<p>Sanae nodded again and said, "Yeah. I actually get a <em>lot</em> of questions like that when I'm preaching."</p>
<p>"What do you tell them?" Reimu hopefully asked, trying to keep her voice even. Maybe now, finally, she'd get an answer.</p>
<p>"Ah... well... I don't really tell them anything," Sanae feebly said. She quickly backtracked when she saw Reimu's crestfallen face. "No no, I actually <em>do</em> tell them something. I tell them that while I can't answer their question, they can try praying to Lady Yasaka and Lady Suwako to see if it helps them get an answer. This is a question that I can't really help people answer. It's something they need to find out by themselves." Sanae said the last part with a confident nod.</p>
<p>Reimu was silent as she took in what Sanae said. An answer that people had to find out by themselves... If it was like that, then...</p>
<p>"Oh! I almost forgot! I need to help Lady Yasaka with something," Sanae suddenly yelled. She turned around and sprinted towards the shrine. "Bye, Reimu! Good luck with your question!"</p>
<p>Reimu absent-mindedly waved, continuing to wave well after Sanae was out of sight. A question that she had to answer herself...</p>
<hr/>
<p>The sun was setting when she got back to the empty shrine. It was around this same time yesterday she had returned from her shopping trip. The sky was again stained in orange and purple. Reimu let out a frustrated sigh. In the end, she couldn't find an answer that suited her. What everyone said fit them, but not her. She hated to admit it, but she felt a bit jealous towards them. For them to know what they wanted to do... She couldn't feel the same. </p>
<p>"You've certainly been running around Gensokyo, haven't you?" a voice from behind her said, annoyingly cheerful as always.<br/> <br/>Fantastic. Just what Reimu needed to finish her day. Now, she could be annoyed <em>and</em> get a headache. She turned around to see Yukari, sitting on a gap with an unreadable smile on her face.</p>
<p>"What do you want?" Reimu brusquely asked. She didn't want to deal with Yukari on a normal day, and she <em>especially</em> didn't want to deal with her today.</p>
<p>Yukari's smile grew even wider, her face looking more like a mask the more Reimu looked at it. She innocently said, "Is it so suspicious for me to just drop by and talk to my favorite currently living Hakurei shrine maiden every now and then?"</p>
<p>"I'm the <em>only</em> Hakurei shrine maiden right now."</p>
<p>"Details, details," Yukari said as she dismissively waved her hand.</p>
<p>Reimu sighed. It'd probably be better for her to go along with Yukari's whims so that she'd leave sooner. "Just tell me what you're here for."</p>
<p>Yukari chuckled. "Oh my, how scary. You certainly aren't playing around today." She paused, waiting to see Reimu's reaction. After a few seconds of silence, she continued talking. "I simply wanted to offer you my endless wisdom since it seems like you're in need of it today... But I can leave if you aren't interested."</p>
<p>Reimu glared at Yukari, who just kept on innocently smiling. While Reimu absolutely wanted Yukari to leave, she couldn't help but be curious about what Yukari had to say. Not that she'd ever admit it. In the end, her curiosity got the best of her. "...Alright, fine. What do you want to say?"</p>
<p>"See, I knew you'd come around," she said. With a flourish of her dress, she closed the gap she was sitting on and sat down at the front of the shrine. She patted the floor next to her. "Sit down next to me."</p>
<p>Reimu was hesitant, but she sat down next to her. Yukari wasn't planning something weird... probably.</p>
<p>The two of them watched the setting sun in silence. Reimu glanced at Yukari and saw her staring into the sun, her smile gone from her face. If she had to be honest, it was unnerving for Reimu to see Yukari this quiet. She was used to her constantly talking and annoying everyone around her. </p>
<p>Reimu was about to break the silence when Yukari finally spoke up. "You're wondering what the purpose of your existence is?"</p>
<p>Reimu nodded.</p>
<p>"Well, I don't think I can answer that." </p>
<p>"What?!" Reimu snapped. This is why she hated dealing with Yukari.</p>
<p>"But," Yukari continued as if not having heard Reimu, "I can tell you what I think." She cheerfully grinned at Reimu, ignoring her glare. "You should be honored. I don't often talk about myself. You'll be one of the rare few."</p>
<p>Reimu was tempted to pull out a spell card or two or ten to chase off Yukari, but as fun as that would've been, she restrained herself. Maybe, just maybe, Yukari really would have something. She doubted it but. Still.</p>
<p>Yukari's grin slowly turned into a more somber expression. After some silence, she started speaking. "This is something that you humans with your short lives wouldn't understand, but when you live for as long as I have, you begin to realize that nothing is constant in life. Everything will eventually change."</p>
<p>Reimu tried to keep the surprise out of her face as she heard how serious Yukari sounded. She never saw Yukari act like this before.</p>
<p>"And with it, so does your purpose in life. My purpose has changed many times. Sometimes, it can be something big, like creating Gensokyo. And at other times, it can be something small... like searching for someone you once knew."</p>
<p>Something flashed in Yukari's eyes. It was brief, but Reimu saw <em>something</em> there. Sadness? Regret? But before Reimu could identify it, it was gone.  <br/> <br/>"And sometimes, you have no purpose. You just wander around life, looking for something to do. Something to live for."</p>
<p>Reimu was starting to feel some concern for Yukari. She hesitantly asked, "Yukari... are you okay?"</p>
<p>"Hm?" Yukari's eyes were glazed over as she looked at Reimu, looking as if she was waking up from a dream. "Oh... Yes, I'm fine." A grin made its way to her lips as she teasingly said, "Were you worried about me?"</p>
<p>And she was back to her old self again. The tense atmosphere faded as Reimu scoffed and said, "Of course not. It's weird for you to act like that, that's all."</p>
<p>"You were worried about me," Yukari chirped in a sing-song voice.</p>
<p>Reimu groaned. "Shut up."</p>
<p>Yukari's grin faded a bit as she opened a gap. "Maybe what I said will help you, maybe it won't," she said as she stepped into the gap. "But know that figuring something like this out isn't easy. Not at all. Farewell, Reimu." And with that, Yukari was gone, nothing to show that she was there in the first place.</p>
<p>"Hm... no set purpose," Reimu muttered. Maybe Yukari was onto something. Annoying but maybe correct. Maybe life didn't have any set purpose. Maybe it was fine to not have a purpose at all. Or maybe she was waiting for one.</p>
<p>Reimu groaned. She was thinking way too much about this. Did it actually matter if she had a purpose? Did she really <em>need</em> a reason to exist? She existed, and that was what mattered. Thinking about all of this made her annoyed more than anything. </p>
<p>The more Reimu thought about it, the more she realized that it was stupid to be thinking about this stuff. She would live life as she wanted to, and nothing was going to stop her from that. Content with the conclusion she reached, Reimu started to prepare to go to bed. She would sleep, and tomorrow, whatever happened, she'd go along with it.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hope you enjoyed reading this.</p>
<p>this was actually a question i struggled with many years ago. i came to the same conclusion as reimu, except maybe a bit more nihilistic. who cares about the meaning of life and all that? a waste of time and energy to think about it, honestly. nothing against people who manage to find one, though. more power to you if you can. but there's nothing wrong with not having a set purpose.</p>
<p>do consider leaving a comment if you'd liked it</p></blockquote></div></div>
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